Today, I heard what was probably the most profound words I have ever heard in my life. They spoke to me in a way that no words have ever spoken to me before. It's crazy how those fifteen minutes were just what I have been needing to hear and I didn't even know it. They hit straight to my heart and listening to them, in the middle of my math class (of all places), I was fighting back tears.
My math teacher sometimes plays TED Talks for us at the end of class. Today, he shared Steve Jobs' Stanford commencement speech from 2005. I had never even heard about it until today but I think God had maybe been saving this for me to hear at just the right time in my life. I don't think this would have had the same effect on me if I had heard this a few years ago. It feels like the words just jumped right out and spoke right into my life, almost as if they were written for me.
I've been feeling as though I've been stuck in a rut lately. Well, not lately. I think it started senior year of high school, when we had to start making choices about our future and that has gradually taken its toll on me. How the hell, at 17, was I supposed to make such a huge decision? I'm 22 now and I still don't know what I want to do. I don't know if it was just laziness because I didn't want to write so many admission essays or just the fact that deep down, I was scared to move on to the next chapter in my life, but I only applied to one college. At that point, I was convinced I wanted to be a fashion photographer for commercial advertising. I was accepted to the Brooks Institute of Photography in Santa Barbara, a pretty prestigious photography school and the only college I applied to. At that time, I took the fact that I got accepted and it was the only school I wanted to go to as a sign of confirmation. But, it was going to cost $80,000 a year in tuition, not to mention the cost of living in a place like Santa Barbara. Long story short, it didn't work out. Looking back, I think the fact that I wasn't completely broken up about it is sort of sign that that wasn't meant to be.
Ever since then, I feel as though it has all gone downhill. I kept getting hit with roadblocks when I was trying to move to California last year. I keep changing my mind on what I want to go to school for. This is all especially hard for me now that all my friends I graduated high school with are getting ready to graduate college and move on with their lives, while I'm still technically a sophomore. I've declared Journalism as my major but I have a gut feeling that it is not what I'm meant to do. If there's one thing I do know, it's that I don't want to be miserable and stuck doing something I don't love to do for my whole life. I don't even know what my passion is. I mean, I know what I like, but I don't necessarily think it's my passion. I think that may be the first step into climbing out of this darkness I've been in - find my passion.
On top of all my trouble in figuring out what I want to do with my life, I've been struggling with living life in the moment. I'm not happy with my life. I'm not happy with the way money and time creates imaginary boundaries in life. I need to break those boundaries so I can live free. I cannot really fathom the concept of death, and that I will one day die, but I think that (and I know this is so cliche) if I start living as though it was my last day, I would get more out of life. I'll be able to make the big decisions easier and live free. I am not doing what I want to do, and as Steve Jobs says, since the answer to the question "if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" is usually always "no," I need to change something. The hard part is figuring out what.
Ever since then, I feel as though it has all gone downhill. I kept getting hit with roadblocks when I was trying to move to California last year. I keep changing my mind on what I want to go to school for. This is all especially hard for me now that all my friends I graduated high school with are getting ready to graduate college and move on with their lives, while I'm still technically a sophomore. I've declared Journalism as my major but I have a gut feeling that it is not what I'm meant to do. If there's one thing I do know, it's that I don't want to be miserable and stuck doing something I don't love to do for my whole life. I don't even know what my passion is. I mean, I know what I like, but I don't necessarily think it's my passion. I think that may be the first step into climbing out of this darkness I've been in - find my passion.
"It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."
On top of all my trouble in figuring out what I want to do with my life, I've been struggling with living life in the moment. I'm not happy with my life. I'm not happy with the way money and time creates imaginary boundaries in life. I need to break those boundaries so I can live free. I cannot really fathom the concept of death, and that I will one day die, but I think that (and I know this is so cliche) if I start living as though it was my last day, I would get more out of life. I'll be able to make the big decisions easier and live free. I am not doing what I want to do, and as Steve Jobs says, since the answer to the question "if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" is usually always "no," I need to change something. The hard part is figuring out what.
"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "no" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die the the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
I've always had this gut feeling that I'm meant for something greater than this. But I think over time, I've begun to let people's opinions weigh me down and speak lies into my life. But all this time, my heart and gut still feel the same, even if my mind doesn't. That gives me a little bit of hope, while I try to break free of these weights I've let people hang on me. I am going to begin to walk through life more in tune with where my intuition is leading me and try to block out all the doubters.
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
I'm beginning to take solace in the fact that while my life's course does not make sense at the moment, there will be a day when I can look back and go "ah, so that's why that happened the way it did." All of this depression and anxiety and feeling of being lost will all be worth it in the end because one day, I will finally understand why. One day, I will be doing what I'm meant to do but until then, I'm going to trust that I am on the right path to getting me where I need to be.
"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."
I think I'm finally on my way to being at peace with the way my life has taken me. One day, things will all make sense. All this depression, heartache, and confusion will disappear. I just have to trust my intuition and realize that I will end up where I am meant to end up. It's a hard thing to let go, but to be happy, I've got to.
I apologize if this post seemed choppy and didn't make much sense. Maybe it's because I'm writing this at 2 in the morning. But I guess that gives you a little glimpse as to what goes on in my head. I need to get my thoughts, emotions, and all that straightened out because it feels like I'm living in chaos.
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