I Want To Kill Some People For Eating | Misophonia

Rage.  Anger.  Hatred.  Fury.  Disgust.  My blood boils.

I just want to rip my ears off.  I want to scream.  I want to punch someone.  It feels like I could kill someone. 

I lived this way, not knowing what was causing it, for years until I stumbled on information about a condition called misophonia.  It's something most people don't even know exists, my own computer even thinks it's a misspelled word but can't find a replacement when I try to correct it.  There's so little known about it that even some doctor's have never heard of it.  When I read about it, my whole life made sense.  I wasn't crazy and I wasn't just a brat anymore.  There was something actually wrong with me.  It was almost a relief to know that I wasn't the only one who felt the intense rage just listening to someone chew or swallow or cough.

Misophonia translates literally to "the hatred of sound."  It's a neurological disorder where a negative emotion or action is triggered by a sound.  In my case, my triggers are basically any eating noises.  The most recent one I've noticed is the sound of a utensil against someones teeth or a plate.  Even writing that just gave me goosebumps and made my ears burn.  I pick up on the noises most people won't even hear.  It literally hurts me to be around people eating.

When I hear my triggers, it sends me into a literal rage.  I get hot and annoyed and probably could smack the person making the trigger noise.  The other day, I was sitting in the library studying when someone sat down behind me and started eating.  Holy shit.  I wanted to kill him.  No matter how I tried to distract myself, the sounds of this guy eating overpowered everything.  It sounded like the volume was being turned up on his sounds and everything else around me was being turned down.  I started shaking my legs, breathing harder, and trying everything I could to distract myself.  After about 3 minutes, I couldn't even concentrate on my homework I was working on.  I had to get out and I had to get out right now.  I was in the middle of taking a timed online quiz, but I couldn't stand to be around the noise anymore so I had to pack up and leave.  It's that bad sometimes.  I absolutely can not eat around my parents or sister - it will push me into a rage and makes me want to kill everyone.  

No one seems to understand it.  My ears still ring, burn, and make me feel like I want to rip them off even hours after I hear my triggers.  My parents get mad at me for getting mad.  I can't help it.  

For now, I've just learned to walk away.  That's the only thing that helps.  If I absolutely have to sit down to a dinner table and eat with my family, I turn on music...loud.  But sometimes that doesn't help and I eat quickly so I can get out and get relief. 

I just want people to be able to realize that I'm not crazy and I don't hate you, I just hate the sounds you're making.

Love Like Mike

Recently, I lost a friend in a horrific way.  I can still feel the drop in my stomach and heart, then that dull ache in my heart that has been with me since 10 AM on April 17th, when I found out my friend was gone.  I'm still trying to process it.  I feel numb.  I don't think my mind has recognized that this has really happened, that I will never randomly run into him again like we always would and have one of our long life talks.  The ones that would make me feel like I was important, that I was meant for more.  Mike spoke that into me - purpose and life.  He is constantly on my mind, and I am constantly trying to make sense of it all.  I don't think I will ever be able to settle the unsettling feeling I've felt in my spirit since he's been gone.  There's still more to Mike's story.  It's not over yet.

Mike was one of my favorite people to be around.  He was younger than me by a few years, but it never felt that way.  He had a wisdom that was well beyond his years.  He radiated joy and it was contagious.  You always walked away from him feeling loved and accepted.  I always felt so motivated to be the person Mike saw me to be.

But Mike also struggled with a darkness.  I watched it from afar and checked in with him on Facebook from time to time...but I distanced myself because I didn't want to be around the things he was doing.  Now looking back, it's something I regret.  I wish I felt direction in what to do to help him, just like he had helped me.

It's hard for me to hear some of the stories about Mike from the people that were around him closer to the end.  I get angry.  They tell stories about the Mike they thought they knew, but I keep wanting to scream, "that was not the real Mike...that was not him, he was so much greater than that.  He had a purpose that was greater than what he was living."  Of course, I can never claim to know the real Mike, but I know he wasn't the person some people seem to think they know.  It makes me angry...enraged...furious...my blood boils.

I'm going to choose to remember the Mike I knew at first, to me - the real Mike.  The fun, loving, kind, full of life, carefree, sweet, Mike.  The one that would drop everything in a heartbeat to help someone out.  The fully alive Mike.  The one who was there for me when I needed him.  The one who still, even after he is physically gone, shows up for me when I need him.

Tonight, I was sitting in a garage full of unbelievers.  It was so funny, because we were listening to the radio but all of a sudden, every station was full of static, except one.  And it was a Christian station.  A song I had never heard before came on, and even through all the noise around me, I could hear it loud and clear.

It was just what I needed tonight.  You're still here, Mikey, giving us exactly what we need to hear and see and do...I miss you so much, my heart aches.  I wish you would just come back...we need you...miss you so much...

Boston: Finding the Good in the Tragedy

Around 2 PM today, I started noticing posts on my Facebook feed that something horrible had happened in Boston.  Immediately I opened my CNN app only to discover the horror of what had happened at the marathon finish line.  Back on Facebook, I read post after post about how "sickened by humanity" my friends were feeling in regards to the bombing.  The first words out of my boyfriend's mouth was "what the hell is wrong with people nowadays?"  Yes, the actions of whoever was behind today are sickening.  Despicable.  Horrifying.  

But believe it or not, it's days with tragic events like today 

that convinces me, more than ever, 

in the strength and goodness of humanity. 

There are countless stories of heroism and bravery in the face of today's tragedy and there are bound to be more.  Complete strangers ran toward the destruction and chaos to do whatever they could to help.    Marathon runners finished their race and continued to run straight to blood donation centers or hospitals.  Blood donation centers started turning people away because they were so overwhelmed with donors.  After bringing people to safety, many people went back to help again.  With the help of Google and other sites, people were able to get information about their loved ones and were able to offer their hospitality to those who were stranded.  Some restaurants started operating as "pay only if you can," as their way of helping during the chaos.  Strangers stopped to help other injured strangers in any way they could, one man using his own belt as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding from a stranger's wounds.  Others are photographed shirtless because they had wrapped their clothes around strangers' wounds to stop the bleeding.  Looking at the photographs of the aftermath of the bombing, you will notice that there are multiple people surrounding one injured person, doing what they can to help - not one injured person is photographed alone.  

Out of all the photos that came from today, this was the one that moved me the most.

Humanity is not lost.  We are stronger than ever.  We know how to come together in the face of tragedy and despair and comfort those who need it.  We know how to drop our selfish ways, if only for a moment, to help those in need.  Humanity is amazing, really.   

The goodness of humanity is powerful and it far outweighs the evil in our world.

So for all of you who are "sickened by humanity" on days like today, remember the hundreds of people who rushed toward all the chaos and destruction to do whatever they could to help.  The number of these people outnumber, by hundreds of thousands (if not millions), the number of "evil doers" in our world.  In a world like ours today, it's becoming more than ever necessary to look for the good out of all these bad events.  We will never be able to make sense of such a senseless act.  But if you begin to look for the good instead of the bad in regards to situations like the Boston marathon bombing today, you're faith in humanity might, even if it's just a little bit, become restored.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

Today, I heard what was probably the most profound words I have ever heard in my life.  They spoke to me in a way that no words have ever spoken to me before.  It's crazy how those fifteen minutes were just what I have been needing to hear and I didn't even know it.  They hit straight to my heart and listening to them, in the middle of my math class (of all places), I was fighting back tears.    

My math teacher sometimes plays TED Talks for us at the end of class.  Today, he shared Steve Jobs' Stanford commencement speech from 2005.  I had never even heard about it until today but I think God had maybe been saving this for me to hear at just the right time in my life.  I don't think this would have had the same effect on me if I had heard this a few years ago.   It feels like the words just jumped right out and spoke right into my life, almost as if they were written for me.

I've been feeling as though I've been stuck in a rut lately.  Well, not lately.  I think it started senior year of high school, when we had to start making choices about our future and that has gradually taken its toll on me.  How the hell, at 17, was I supposed to make such a huge decision?  I'm 22 now and I still don't know what I want to do.  I don't know if it was just laziness because I didn't want to write so many admission essays or just the fact that deep down, I was scared to move on to the next chapter in my life, but I only applied to one college.  At that point, I was convinced I wanted to be a fashion photographer for commercial advertising.  I was accepted to the Brooks Institute of Photography in Santa Barbara, a pretty prestigious photography school and the only college I applied to.  At that time, I took the fact that I got accepted and it was the only school I wanted to go to as a sign of confirmation.  But, it was going to cost $80,000 a year in tuition, not to mention the cost of living in a place like Santa Barbara.  Long story short, it didn't work out.  Looking back, I think the fact that I wasn't completely broken up about it is sort of sign that that wasn't meant to be.

Ever since then, I feel as though it has all gone downhill.  I kept getting hit with roadblocks when I was trying to move to California last year.  I keep changing my mind on what I want to go to school for.  This is all especially hard for me now that all my friends I graduated high school with are getting ready to graduate college and move on with their lives, while I'm still technically a sophomore.  I've declared Journalism as my major but I have a gut feeling that it is not what I'm meant to do.  If there's one thing I do know, it's that I don't want to be miserable and stuck doing something I don't love to do for my whole life.  I don't even know what my passion is.  I mean, I know what I like, but I don't necessarily think it's my passion.  I think that may be the first step into climbing out of this darkness I've been in - find my passion.

"It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it.  Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.  Don't lose faith.  I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did.  You've got to find what you love.  And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.  Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work.  And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.  If you haven't found it yet, keep looking.  Don't settle.  As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.  And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.  So keep looking until you find it.  Don't settle."

On top of all my trouble in figuring out what I want to do with my life, I've been struggling with living life in the moment.  I'm not happy with my life.  I'm not happy with the way money and time creates imaginary boundaries in life.  I need to break those boundaries so I can live free.  I cannot really fathom the concept of death, and that I will one day die, but I think that (and I know this is so cliche) if I start living as though it was my last day, I would get more out of life.  I'll be able to make the big decisions easier and live free.  I am not doing what I want to do, and as Steve Jobs says, since the answer to the question "if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" is usually always "no," I need to change something.  The hard part is figuring out what.

"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?"  And whenever the answer has been "no" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.  Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.  Remembering that you are going to die the the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.  You are already naked.  There is no reason not to follow your heart."

I've always had this gut feeling that I'm meant for something greater than this.  But I think over time, I've begun to let people's opinions weigh me down and speak lies into my life.  But all this time, my heart and gut still feel the same, even if my mind doesn't.  That gives me a little bit of hope, while I try to break free of these weights I've let people hang on me.  I am going to begin to walk through life more in tune with where my intuition is leading me and try to block out all the doubters.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary."

I'm beginning to take solace in the fact that while my life's course does not make sense at the moment, there will be a day when I can look back and go "ah, so that's why that happened the way it did."  All of this depression and anxiety and feeling of being lost will all be worth it in the end because one day, I will finally understand why.  One day, I will be doing what I'm meant to do but until then, I'm going to trust that I am on the right path to getting me where I need to be.    

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.  So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.  You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.  This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."

I think I'm finally on my way to being at peace with the way my life has taken me.  One day, things will all make sense.  All this depression, heartache, and confusion will disappear.  I just have to trust my intuition and realize that I will end up where I am meant to end up.  It's a hard thing to let go, but to be happy, I've got to.

I apologize if this post seemed choppy and didn't make much sense.  Maybe it's because I'm writing this at 2 in the morning.  But I guess that gives you a little glimpse as to what goes on in my head.  I need to get my thoughts, emotions, and all that straightened out because it feels like I'm living in chaos.

Everything's Changin' When I Turn Around, All Out Of My Control

Well, hello strangers!

It's been awhile since I've posted on here.  There really isn't any reason for the lack of posting.  I've just felt a little uninspired and frankly, a lot depressed.  Not about anything in particular, just felt like I was living in a fog, like I was just going through the motions.  I just let that occasional emptiness that everyone feels in their life at one point or another creep in and settle.  

Don't get me wrong, a lot of good has come my way in these last few months.  

I got to hang out with a baby tiger (and crossed it off the bucket list).

I adopted two new babies into my life, Duchess and O'Malley (named after the Aristocats).  They are my pride and joy and my best friends.

I started classes again at Metro in Denver (including Italian, which is also on my bucket list).

I celebrated my 22nd birthday in Fort Collins with my friends.

And had the best Valentine's Day when they dropped the charges against Brandon.

But in spite of all these great memories that I've made so far in 2013, I still feel immobile.  Like I'm not going anywhere in my life or with my life.  2013 is the year I'm supposed to be graduating from college (although that is not going to happen) and finally get to begin the real "adult" stage of my life.  I feel like I'm supposed to know what I want to do with my life at this point.  I don't have the slightest clue.

To remedy this "depression" stage of my life, I have decided to do something drastic.  I decided to follow the wise words of Mark Twain and "throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, explore, dream, discover."  I just put in an application to Semester at Sea.

Basically, Semester at Sea is a program where you get on a big boat with tons of other college students and sail around the world.  For the semester I applied for, it's 106 days, 15 cities, and 12 countries (including a country I have never even heard of!)

It already scares me.  I am afraid of leaving Brandon for so long, being away from my cats, family, and friends.  But that is the reason I need to do it.  I am used to my own little bubble and things always being the same.  But I am not okay with it and I think that is what has brought on this depression in me.

I crave adventure.  I crave travel.  I want to see the world.

Despite of the negative feedback I've received, I have that gut feeling this is something I am supposed to do.  I know that if it is meant to be, doors will open and financing (which is going to be the biggest obstacle as it's nearly $30,000 for me to go on this voyage) will get taken care of so that I am able to go on this great adventure.  I truly believe that this is an opportunity of a lifetime and I will regret not taking that chance for the rest of my life if I do not go.  So I'm going to go.

  

You've Given Me Everything That I Will Need, To Make It Through This Crazy Thing Called Life

Today marks the day of birth of a pretty important person in my life, as I definitely wouldn't be here without her, my mama.  

Happy birthday Mom!

As I've said before, I'm not one to express my "mushy gushy" feelings about people but my mom deserves it.  This lady is a perfect example of every area of life to my sister and I, whether its the value of hard work, the importance of keeping a clean house (which after being in certain people's houses, I am SO thankful for this), or teaching me to do the right thing, but there is one area of "life" that she has always been a constant reminder and perfect example of and that is unconditional love.

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother's love.  It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.

- Edwin Hubbell Chapin 

No matter how mad she was at me (and it was probably my fault) she still loved me.  No matter what I said or did, she was always there and she always will be.  No matter how sick and gross I was, she was still there to take care of me.  She encourages me to be what she knows I can be and believes in me even at my worst.  She has sacrificed countless times just so something would be better for me or my sister.  What a great example of what a woman should be.  I know if she had to, she would move the world for my sister, Dad, and I.

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the cloud of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. 

- Irving Washington 

Thank you, Mama, for never giving up and being the one I can always count on.

So here's to the woman who gave me life.  

Happy birthday and I love you.