Twenty

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." 

Matthew 19:14 

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did as I was waking up was check my Facebook, as usual.

Except this time it was different.

I was met with countless status updates about something horrible that had happened hours earlier, innocent, little lives taken away at an elementary school in Connecticut.  Immediately, I opened my CNN app and read about what happened.  I have been brought to my knees and fighting back tears ever since.

This has hit me especially hard today.  And I'm really having a hard time putting my emotions into words.
Heartbroken.  Shocked.  Numb.  Terrified.  Sickened.  Confused.

My mom is an elementary school teacher.  It could have just as easily been her school being shown on those aerial views on the news, photos of students from her school being shown on the TV.  It could have been her classroom that a sick man with a gun walked into and took innocent lives.  I am so thankful this was not her school.

All I wanted today was my mommy.  

I try to be the person that always tries to find the good in the bad.  For me today, I am so thankful that I have both of my parents here, my sister is safe, and my loved ones are okay.  I tend to take this luxury for granted.  I hate that it takes something like this for me to realize this.  

I cannot even begin to fathom the depth of evil it takes for someone to commit the monstrosity that happened today.  I am so incredibly heartbroken for these little innocent children that spent their last moments on earth crying for their mommies and daddies.  Such innocence lost in those children that were witness to what happened to their friends at their school today.  All those children did today was get up and go to school...

I cannot wrap my head around it.

Six innocent adults.  And twenty little innocent lives.  Twenty little children who won't fall asleep to their parents reading "The Night Before Christmas" to them on Christmas Eve.  Twenty little children who won't set out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for his reindeer.  Twenty little children who won't open their Christmas presents this year.  Twenty little children who won't get a chance to grow up, graduate high school, graduate college, get married, have their own little children...  Twenty little children.  Twenty beautiful, innocent, little children.

I cannot wrap my head around it.

I am not going to turn this post into something political.  But as I write this, listening to the horrifying 911 tapes on the news and witnesses on TV recounting what happened today, Brandon is in his room behind me playing a game where the object is to shoot as many people as possible.  On the TV, I'm listening to witnesses talk of the "pop pop pop" sound of a gun going off in the school while I hear the realistic sound effects of a gun from Brandon's video game.  The goal in this game is to shoot human beings.  Get as many "kills" as possible.  This is a game.  I have no words.  I am just sickened.  It doesn't make sense.  Brandon's in there playing a game where the object is to shoot and kill people while families are mourning the loss of their loved ones, taken by someone who made that game a reality.  It doesn't make sense.  Something has to change.

I am having a hard time to put my emotions into words right now.  So instead, I want to close and share something from a friend, Mackenzie's blog, that is so incredibly, hauntingly beautiful.

I imagine that there were a slew of angels walking in with this man so full of evil. Vibrant and beautiful, fresh from the throne room. God, sending his most sensitive and loving celestial beings. 

I imagine these incredible angels hitting this world with a thump as they trailed behind the mass murderer. I imagine they held the door open for one another as they looked at one another. I imagine even they sighed a deep, heavy sigh. Ready to usher these children that God listed by name into another realm. 

I imagine they walked behind each of those children before they were brutally shot. I imagine each angel put a gentle hand on each of the precious lives as their bodies were torn apart by the evil that took their physical bodies.  

I imagine the children's souls saw the angels and not the chaos around them. That each of them smiling and looking at each other walked through the brutality outside. Unaware. I imagine one brilliant and kind angel smiled at each of their faces, knowing them each by name. Telling them of the incredible love and kindness that awaited them.  

Then gone. 

Gone to a place with no pain, no hate, no discouragement....   

No evil.

I held Cohen tight tonight. I know his destiny lies in that of his creator. It doesn't mean I grieved hard. Really hard. I watched at his school as parents ran to pick up their kids, looking at them like they hadn't seen them in years. It touched me. 

And tonight I think of all the parents who don't have a child to put to bed. To argue with about brushing their teeth. To read to. To cuddle with. 

I imagine these children playing in the arms of the one that crafted them so brilliantly. 

Always safe in his arms.