This Is The Way That I Say I Need You

Tonight, I was finally able to log in to my old Myspace account.  Pretty long story but basically, I had forgotten the password to my account on Myspace AND the email I had connected to it.  Turns out, Hotmail had deleted my old email account, so I was able to recreate the same email and have the password reset email sent so I could finally reset my password and get into my account!  

Um, YAY!  

I had so many old pictures on there that I had lost when a computer crashed years ago, so being the sentimental person that I am, I am just so excited to have them back and excited is an understatement.  I just spent the last few hours laughing til my stomach hurt and tearing up a bit while clicking through all my pictures, reading all the old comments, and reading all my old blog posts that I had posted through Myspace (and I had forgotten about those).  I am actually pretty surprised at how good of a writer I was then.  I totally wish I could put words to my emotions like I used to be able to.  I'm sure it's because I stopped writing for so long and I used to write a LOT.  

Anyways, I just wanted to share one of the shorter posts from my old Myspace.  I'm totally gonna leave the HTML as it was posted on Myspace too.  I'm sharing this because I think it's a good reminder for me of what I used to want and how I used to think.  I also think it's interesting that I still have that same aching in my heart, but it aches duller than before.  I don't know if that's because I've made progress towards satisfying my heartaches or if it's just because I've pushed it all to the back.  But maybe it's my final afterthought that explains it all...

It was posted March 12, 2008.  

I've got an aching in my heart but I don't know what for.

I want forgiveness.  Innocence.  Open minds.
I crave summer nights and summer sun.
I want something different, something that will make me want to wake up everyday.
I want a song.  One that holds meaning.
School needs to be only for those who want to be closed in.
I want to skip to the part where I see reconciliation with my family.
I need change.  New faces.  New scenery.
I want to be needed and I need to be wanted.
I want sense.  And direction.  And spontaniety.
I want what used to be.
I want the life I've dreamt up.
I don't want to settle.  I don't want to stay in this place for long.
I need for someone to push me into motion.
I need for someone to understand my inner workings and identify with it.
I need reassurance.
I want constant motion.  I want constant voices.
I want my sister as my best friend.  I want my family as my support group.
I need my uncle back. 
I want freedom.  And love.  And selflessness.
I need a sweet escape with someone different.
I want passionate people to motivate.

 

But then again, I don't know what I want.
I am one confused mind.

 

 

 

may 14, 2008
and i've come to realize that this is life without God.