Recently, I lost a friend in a horrific way. I can still feel the drop in my stomach and heart, then that dull ache in my heart that has been with me since 10 AM on April 17th, when I found out my friend was gone. I'm still trying to process it. I feel numb. I don't think my mind has recognized that this has really happened, that I will never randomly run into him again like we always would and have one of our long life talks. The ones that would make me feel like I was important, that I was meant for more. Mike spoke that into me - purpose and life. He is constantly on my mind, and I am constantly trying to make sense of it all. I don't think I will ever be able to settle the unsettling feeling I've felt in my spirit since he's been gone. There's still more to Mike's story. It's not over yet.
Mike was one of my favorite people to be around. He was younger than me by a few years, but it never felt that way. He had a wisdom that was well beyond his years. He radiated joy and it was contagious. You always walked away from him feeling loved and accepted. I always felt so motivated to be the person Mike saw me to be.
But Mike also struggled with a darkness. I watched it from afar and checked in with him on Facebook from time to time...but I distanced myself because I didn't want to be around the things he was doing. Now looking back, it's something I regret. I wish I felt direction in what to do to help him, just like he had helped me.
It's hard for me to hear some of the stories about Mike from the people that were around him closer to the end. I get angry. They tell stories about the Mike they thought they knew, but I keep wanting to scream, "that was not the real Mike...that was not him, he was so much greater than that. He had a purpose that was greater than what he was living." Of course, I can never claim to know the real Mike, but I know he wasn't the person some people seem to think they know. It makes me angry...enraged...furious...my blood boils.
I'm going to choose to remember the Mike I knew at first, to me - the real Mike. The fun, loving, kind, full of life, carefree, sweet, Mike. The one that would drop everything in a heartbeat to help someone out. The fully alive Mike. The one who was there for me when I needed him. The one who still, even after he is physically gone, shows up for me when I need him.
Tonight, I was sitting in a garage full of unbelievers. It was so funny, because we were listening to the radio but all of a sudden, every station was full of static, except one. And it was a Christian station. A song I had never heard before came on, and even through all the noise around me, I could hear it loud and clear.
It was just what I needed tonight. You're still here, Mikey, giving us exactly what we need to hear and see and do...I miss you so much, my heart aches. I wish you would just come back...we need you...miss you so much...
